Putting your courage to the sticking place...

I confess - I didn't come up with the title of this blog. My friend Lauren did, only she didn't know it at the time.

I've been talking about it for awhile, and Friday was the day that I finally made good on my promise to shave my head if I raised $3,500 for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. I raised $3,726.38 with your help.

Leading up to the actual cut, I was freaking out. In some ways, it's not just hair - it's part of your identity. I was worried about how I would look. I had no idea what my head looked like - it could have been pointy for all I knew!

I cried on Friday. I had the thought that I shouldn't be crying - I chose to do this. But it's such a drastic change, and like any drastic change, it causes discomfort. Even as I told myself multiple times "it'll grow back".

Luckily, I had the right group of people there to keep me from losing it. Lauren took photos, Karen, Dawn, Laura and Carrie all cut ponytails, Michael and Jason were there for inappropriate humor, my coaches Bruce and Lynnae were there and Tori was awesome in getting my hair ready to cut and shave. Carrie also brought cupcakes.

This is shortly after I arrived at the salon. I think it was just after Michael walked in and said "You don't have to do this!" and his wife Lauren said "yes, you do".

Tori let me choose my smock, and since I have a zebra print scarf that I'm sure you'll see me in soon, I picked that one. She put my hair into about 12 ponytails.

Karen cut off a ponytail after trying to cut through it for a second or two.
















Lauren asked me to take a picture when there were just a few ponytails left. The bottom two at my neck were completely shaved off, so we could get the most hair to donate. We've also determined I may or may not resemble Harley Quinn in this photo.



Coaches Bruce and Lynnae showed up and we took a photo to show off our Team in Training gear!

The bag contains a LOT of hair. It's about 9 inches worth, and I swear each ponytail could be that of a small child. I knew my hair was thick, but holy cow! I'll be sending it to Children with Hair Loss as a donation.

At the end of the day, I didn't have to worry that I had a conehead (I don't) and sometimes, it just feels like I have my hair pulled back and it's wet. But the good news is, it takes a lot less time to air dry now!

So far, I've gone out in public with and without a scarf (mostly without). Part of my fear was how people would look at me without hair. But so far, I haven't noticed much of a difference. I had also worried about how some cancer survivors I know would respond to the gesture, but those fears have also been unfounded.

Granted, I'm sure there are people I know that think I'm nuts. And that's fine. Maybe I am. But I didn't do this for them, I did it to bring awareness to a cause that I care about. I did it despite my fear of being different. 

I turn the page to the next chapter, where I will raise $1,500 for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society and run the Grand Rapids Half Marathon in October. Check out my fundraising page here: http://pages.teamintraining.org/mi/GrdRpd13/aclock

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear." - Ambrose Redmoon

Avoiding a sunburned head

Right before my half marathon, I reached $3,500 raised for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. Great, awesome, I made it $300 over my fundraising minimum. But there's more to it than that.

When I started fundraising, I was freaked out about how much I had to raise. I'd been able to raise smaller amounts before - more like maybe $500-$1000. But this was 3-5 times more! So when I started, I figured there needed to be something big to help get me to my goal.

And that's when I decided that I would shave my head if I reached $3,500. 

When I got to that point, it started to get real.

This is me, yesterday. I last had a haircut in September (I'm horrible about getting haircuts). I have really thick hair. I also let it air dry 99% of the time. It also keeps my head from getting sunburned (minus my part).

This coming Friday, I will put it in small ponytails, and have it shaved off.

I went this past week to a wig shop in Lansing and purchased scarves to wear once it's done. I'm sure there will be some days that I will wear a hat, or maybe no scarf at all. At the wig shop, I had let them know what I was up to when I walked in. There was another woman shopping too, and she told me that it would take about 8 months to grow back. Eek.

But here's the interesting part. I've been feeling a bit of anxiety of this. Not the actual shaving itself, but the aftermath. How people will look at me, what they will think about me and just how will I look to myself.

As I've been dealing with this, it's made me think about how the stress of worrying about your appearance and how others view you is additional stress that those dealing with chemotherapy deal with. You know, as though treatment, insurance and health issues aren't enough.

I can only hope that my experience shaving my head will bring some sort of awareness to what patients go through and help in raising money to find a cure.

I'll be running in the Metro Health Grand Rapids Half Marathon in October and will continue raising money for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. My website is: http://pages.teamintraining.org/mi/GrdRpd13/aclock

13.1 miles later OR The Longest Blog I've Ever Written

There comes a point when you’re forced to do something that wasn’t in your life plan. For me, that happened back in the fall. I lost an election for something I had put a lot of my heart, soul, time and money into. In the aftermath, I wasn’t sure what the next step would be, but I had hoped it would be continuing to help the organization I felt so passionate about.

But, it wasn’t meant to be, as I was told that my services weren’t needed because people weren’t sure I would be able to work with them. I guess you could say that the door hit me in the ass on my way out.

Since I don’t tend to stay idle, I tried to figure out what I could do to fill the time. I had started running in March. I figured I could do that (in addition to a fairly new job, my first semester in grad school).

I would come across Team in Training, which raises money for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. The program has been in existence for 25 years and raises money to help fund research.

After some phone calls, I had decided to sign up for my first half marathon – the inaugural Nike Women’s Half Marathon in Washington, D.C. What did that mean? I had committed to raising $3,200 minimum and that would include my transportation, hotel and race entry. The remainder would go to LLS.

I started training in November, and have written about that throughout the process. This past weekend I traveled to Washington, D.C. to participate in the event.

It's hard to put the entire last weekend into words, but I'm going to try to do the best I can. I've decided to write two posts and give the Team in Training and race experience a blog of its own.

Prior to leaving, on Wednesday it became official that I would go over the $3,500 fundraising mark to shave my head. It was time to start thinking about planning that event, and I hope to have more details for that soon.

On Friday, I got up at 5am to make sure I made it to the Michigan Flyer for a 6:30am take off to Detroit. This was the first wise decision I made for the weekend - I would not have been happy driving that early or driving home on Monday! I got to the airport and met my group. The only person I knew was my coach who was joining us on the trip. Everyone else was new to me!

When we arrived, we tried to check into the hotel and had to wait for rooms. So we checked our luggage and then headed over to Georgetown for the Expo to pick up our race packets. It was pretty quick, since there weren't a lot of people in the area yet. The Expo was ok, but not great - I expected a lot more stuff to be there!

At the Expo

I ended up getting another donation on Friday night while I was at the MLK Memorial on the Moonlight Bus Tour we went on.

Saturday was a bunch of sightseeing, and then we had the Team in Training dinner at our hotel that night. It was a pasta buffet (go figure, carb loading) and included famous runners Shalane Flanagan, who placed 4^th at the Boston Marathon, and hurdler David Oliver.

It was at this dinner that I learned that there were over 2,300 TNT runners that raised over $6 million for LLS. I also learned that through the Nike events, $134 million had been raised for LLS. I saw people that have raised $70,000 over time through TNT. I saw survivors who were running the race with various teams. I realized that the busting my butt to fundraise and be able to run this distance was making a difference to others.

After dinner, our group got together for our last focus and details, and we also received our medals for raising $250 over our minimum.

We were also told that we had to be to the start line the next morning by 5:30am. Now, mind you, we had to take the metro, so that meant we met in the lobby of the hotel at 4:50am. I was able to get some sleep in, despite all the warnings that I would probably not sleep at all.

I don’t know if I can give much detail of the race in particular – mostly because I tend to tune out or not exactly know where I am for most of the time while running races. I am usually focusing on my breathing or getting to the end.

As a preface, I will never be a fast runner. I don’t know that I will ever pace quicker than 10:00 minutes/mile and that’s pushing it. I had hoped to finish in 2:40:00, but wasn’t sure what to expect.

There were 15,000 runners in this race. I estimated that because I had put myself in the 12:00-13:59 minutes/mile, I would end up crossing the start line around 10 minutes after the 7am start time.

That ended up being about right. Unfortunately, because the corrals were a bit loosey goosey, I got stuck behind a bunch of people that should have been behind me.

What I can tell you is that my music started with Living Colour’s “Cult of Personality” and I ended the race to “Stricken” by Disturbed. What came between was some Kelly Clarkson, O.A.R., Billy Idol, and Third Eye Blind, among other stuff.

I realized pretty early that my GPS screwed up under the 9^th Street Tunnel. I had clearly not run 2.14 miles by that point, since the race started about half a mile before that.

In the first part of the race, I dodged people, dealt with water stations that didn’t have pre-poured cups (which actually ended up being ALL the water stations in the first half of the race) and took a lot of photos. I know I lost time because of all these things. But it’s not every day that you get to run past the Washington Monument, Lincoln Memorial, Arlington Cemetery and the Kennedy Center.

To the Washington Monument

Past the Lincoln Memorial

Over the Bridge to Arlington

Toward the end in front of the Capitol

I had also set up automatic Facebook posts through the Nike website. They posted when I reached certain points throughout the race. In addition, there was live tracking, which showed where I was when I checked in at various points, and predicted where I would be at any given time. I heard it was a little Big Brother-ish to see.

Miles 6 through 9 were a bit difficult in that there were very few spectators cheering us on. We were running around the East Potomac Golf Course, which was a beautiful sight next to the water and had a great breeze. This was probably my favorite “weather” part of the course. I remember thinking a lot “where’s the ___ mile marker?” during this stretch of the course.

Luckily, someone had this awesome sign along the way:

Once I hit the 10 mile mark, I feel like I started walking a bit more – mostly because there was a hill to go up right around that point. I eventually made it to the aid station near mile 11 and realized I was close to Pennsylvania Ave. where the finish line was.

About halfway between miles 11 and 12, “25 Miles” by Edwin Starr came on. I remember that because I was just passing the Newseum, which I had visited the day before, on my way toward the Capitol. I definitely needed the “feet don’t fail me now” mentality then, because it was a tease to turn right when the finish line was just to the left. There were still close to 3 miles left.

I believe that Fleetwood Mac’s “Go Your Own Way” came on next. That got me to about mile 12, which was just in front of the Capitol. It was about this time that I figured I better get moving. I rounded the last corner and came into the last stretch down Pennsylvania Avenue.

Now, there came a point where I thought "I'm close to the finish line, time to go faster." So I did. And then I realized I wasn't really that close to the finish line! So I took about a 10-15 second walk break, then ran the rest of the way to the finish line...and beyond. I just wanted to keep moving so I wouldn't cramp up.

At this point, you have to go through a line where they scanned our bibs. Then there was this:

Yes, that's a man in a tux (we were told the night before they would be ROTC), with a Tiffany blue box. Here's what was inside:

I grabbed food and ended up heading back over to the TNT tent (it was nice to have things like bag check and a separate area just for TNT participants) to see if any of my team was around. Once I found them, I stretched and tried to get out of the sun, since it felt like my face was burning (which it didn't).

Eventually, two of us went to the finish line. Members of my team mentioned that after all the TNT participants have finished, the staff and coaches cross the finish line.

Finish line around the 4 hour mark

TNT Coaches coming in

So, the result? 2:43:19.

It wasn't as fast as I had hoped, but as I said above, there were multiple reasons for that. Some where things I could control and some I couldn't and just had to figure out what to do about them.

At the end of the day, I did something that one year ago, I would have laughed at someone telling me that I would run a half marathon. Actually, something tells me that I may have done that. 

Through this crazy decision that I made, I found out that I could do something I never thought I could or would. But it has also helped me deal with the pain and rejection that I had been feeling in the fall. It gave me something to focus on. It showed me that there's something bigger for me out there.

When we got back to Detroit, my coach asked me if I was going to continue running. My answer to him was "of course". I had already been running before I signed up for TNT. I will continue to run in order to keep my sanity. I have no doubt that I will do another TNT event. When I get frustrated, I can go run. I've physically felt the best I've felt in the last few years. 

13.1 miles later, I don't have the answers, but I do know that I have a place to get away to when I need it.

The Playlist

I was just thinking on my way home tonight about how I've never been much of an athlete. My forte in high school was music. I was in band since 5th grade - marching band, jazz band and orchestra. I joined choir in my senior year, because somehow I figured out I could sing a little.

So, this is yet another side of my half marathon prep. And I can be picky about my music.

I believe this is FINALLY the final version of my playlist for the half marathon on Sunday.

I basically put it together based on songs that have a decent beat (which is why you may find some random choices on here) or songs that motivate me to keep going or that I have an attachment to.

In no particular order (or some random, weird order my iPhone put together):

And We Danced - The Hooters
Barely Breathing - Duncan Sheik
Battle Scars - Lupe Fiasco
Blow Me (One Last Kiss) - P!nk
Breathe - Prodigy
C'mon n' Ride It (The Train) - Quad City DJs
Catch My Breath - Kelly Clarkson
Closer - Tegan and Sara
Cobrastyle - Teddybears feat. Mad Cobra
Cradle of Love - Billy Idol
Cult of Personality - Living Colour
Don't You Worry Child - Swedish House Mafia
The Fighter - Gym Class Heroes
Forever - Chris Brown
Green Hornet Theme - Billy May
Groove is in the Heart - Deee-Lite
Hall of Fame - The Script
Home - Phillip Phillips
How Far We've Come - Matchbox Twenty
How to Be a Heartbreaker - Marina and the Diamonds
It's Time - Imagine Dragons
Keep Your Eyes Open - NEEDTOBREATHE
The Kill - 30 Seconds to Mars
Kings and Queens - 30 Seconds to Mars
Kiss Me Deadly - Lita Ford
Lego House - Ed Sheeran
Love and Memories - O.A.R.
Madness - Muse
Mirrors - Justin Timberlake
Miss Out - Blush
Part of Me - Katy Perry
People Like Us - Kelly Clarkson
Rebel Yell - Billy Idol
Raise Your Glass - P!nk
Red Hands - Walk Off the Earth
Runaway - Love and Theft
Save Me - Remy Zero
Sing - My Chemical Romance
Skyfall - Adele
Smack My Bitch Up - Prodigy
Sometime Around Midnight - Airborne Toxic Event
Stricken - Disturbed
Suit & Tie - Justin Timberlake
Sure Shot - Beastie Boys
Sweet Nothing - Calvin Davis feat. Florence Welch
Thrift Shop - Macklemore and Ryan Lewis
Tonight I'm Getting Over You - Carly Rae Jepsen
Wild Ones - Flo Rida
Titanium - David Guetta feat. Sia
Numb - Usher
You and I - Paper Route
25 Miles - Edwin Starr
32 Flavors - Alana Davis
Between You and Me - DC Talk
Breathe - Ryan Star
Can't Hold Us - Macklemore and Ryan Lewis
Called Out in the Dark - Snow Patrol
How You Like Me Now - The Heavy
Mama Said Knock You Out - LL Cool J
My Life - 50 Cent feat. Eminem & Adam Levine
Radioactive - Imagine Dragons
Wide Awake - Katy Perry
The Boys of Summer - The Ataris
The Distance - Cake
Sad But True - Metallica
Shattered - O.A.R.
Turn the Page - Metallica
The Fallout - O.A.R.
Flood - Jars of Clay
Liquid - Jars of Clay
Closer to the Edge - 30 Seconds to Mars
Go Your Own Way - Fleetwood Mac
3's and 7's - Queens of the Stone Age
Face Down - Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
Motorcycle Drive By - Third Eye Blind
Let Go - Frou Frou
War Song - O.A.R.

On pink ribbons and fundraising

On my way to the office this morning, I saw that downtown Lansing has been covered in pink ribbons.

I despise the pink ribbons nowadays.

Don’t get me wrong – my aunt died of breast cancer at the age of 38. I was about 7 or 8 years old at the time. What I remember of that time was a big stuffed dog that she had – there’s a picture of me with it somewhere. I also remember a stuffed bunny puppet that she gave me and I still have it today.

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month.  But somehow, April has now been hijacked for breast cancer awareness. I can only guess that’s because the Susan G. Komen Foundation in this area has their big race the last weekend of April.

I wonder - why does our society pay so much attention to breast (female) cancer? Actually, I don’t wonder much. It’s become a multi-million dollar business to make things pink and sell them, and hey, men like boobs, so we must save them!

But there are many other cancers that people suffer from every day and have higher mortality rates. However, I suppose that colon cancer and blood cancers just aren’t that sexy.

Personally, I choose to donate my time and money to organizations like the American Cancer Society and the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society, to name a few. And that brings me to the fundraising part of this blog.

I’ve written a bit about the running part of my journey for my half marathon. But the part that I was equally freaked out about was the fundraising portion of the task. To race, I committed to raise a minimum of $3200 for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society.

This number seemed daunting when I started. I hadn’t ever raised that amount of money before for one cause. But, bound and determined, I set out to reach my goal and more.

One of the things I learned through this process is that in a lot of cases, you just need to ask. I asked everyone I knew. I posted on Facebook on a daily basis, I invited people to fundraisers, I sent out emails and I sent out written letters. I asked people I wasn’t sure would donate, because you never know until you ask.

I’m sure people got tired of it, especially when I had another fundraising going on for a friend.  But you know what the beauty of being asked for money is?

You get to say NO.

It doesn’t matter why you say no. It doesn’t matter if you just don’t respond, or you let me know that you can’t. But the reason that you’re asked is because someone like me is following all the available paths to reach a goal. We KNOW people will say no, which is why we ask way more people than we need to donate to our cause.

It’s your money and you choose what you do with it. There will always be people asking you for money, and like my choice to donate to other cancer organizations, you get to choose where your money goes, no matter how often you’re asked.

As I write this, I am almost to $3500 raised for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. I don’t know who everyone who donated is, but they’ve donated via the website, by bringing in pop cans/bottles to return (and slips) and by coming to the various fundraisers I’ve had during my fundraising period.

Did I mention that if I get to $3500, I’ll be shaving my head? Yeah, that’s happening, I’m sure.

I run my first half marathon on Sunday. I raised more money than I thought I could to begin with. I can also continue raising money until May 28.

YOU have helped me do something that will make a difference to others.

If you feel so compelled to donate to the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society, you can do so here: http://pages.teamintraining.org/mi/nikewhlf13/angelaclock

For me, this April is a purple month, not a pink one. 

Wisdom (?) for the week

I had a bunch of "things I've learned/realized this week" floating around in my head during my trip to Kroger tonight. So, here they are!

1) I need to eat before running anything more than 4 miles. That was this morning's lesson (and led to skipping the 5K race after doing the 10K race).

2) No matter how much you want ice cream, don't give in the night before a race (but damn, that turtle sundae was good).

3) Priorities are good. Especially when you have to pack your office by Thursday and have a big quarterly meeting you're planning that happens on Friday.

4) It's amazing how much easier it is to clean the refrigerator out when the dog isn't trying to get into the trash bag.

5) It's also amazing how much quieter it seems without said dog around.

6) I apparently hold my arms really high when I run, allowing others to figure out if it's me from a distance.

7) I only have so much tolerance for fake people. And it's not much.

8) #7 can also be applied to most people that comment on news stories online. Though it seems I have less tolerance for them.

9) "No" is a wonderful word. People (including me) should use it more often.

10) Shin splits hurt, but are better than a groin pull.

11) The Lonely Island's "I'm On a Boat" easily gets stuck in my head.

12) My super power is not having to wear gloves while running in below freezing temperatures.

Where the brain goes...

I suppose you could say that this blog is a few days in the making. It's been stirring around in my head since Monday evening, and I'm finally getting around to sitting down to write it.

It was Monday afternoon and I was in the office because I was making sure I spent time packing for our office move at the end of the week. I had eaten lunch and wanted to give it time to settle, but got distracted by preparing for our membership meeting, packing and working on some insurance stuff.

Laura in my office saw it before I did - there had been a bombing at the Boston Marathon.

And in the next few minutes, more information showed up on the news sites. A photo of a gentleman on the ground with policemen in front of him. A video of the finish line when one of the bombs went off. News reports with the same information over and over.

My mind first went to two people that I knew from Team in Training who were running Boston this year. I went to the marathon website and put their names in, seeing that they had both checked in at 40K, but had not finished. They are both ok.

I got angry. Angry that it wasn't even safe to run anymore. I got sad. Sad that people had been injured and died - for what? Sad that runners who may have had one shot at Boston may not have been able to finish, or that their race now had this dark cloud over it.

Eventually, I wasn't sure what to do, and decided to go do my two mile run. It seemed like the right thing to do at the time. So I went and ran outside downtown.

At first I wasn't so sure why this seemed to hit me so hard. Then I remembered - I was somewhat a part of this whole running community now. It didn't matter how fast or slow I was - I run. And throughout the week, this incident has been weighing heavily on my mind and I've been watching it closely.

I'm running a huge half marathon event in less than a week. It's an inaugural event in Washington, D.C.

This is the biggest event I've ever run.

This added to all the other emotional stuff attached to this race (raising money to help fight cancer, overcoming a hurdle and do something I NEVER thought I would do). It feels like whoever did this intruded into a part of my life.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little bit scared in the back of my mind. I'm running this race with thousands of others, in a city I've never been. We had the discussion on our "Everything You Need to Know" call tonight about whether there will be bag drops now (as far as we know, the answer is yes).

Could something happen? Yes. But it can happen anywhere, as the events at the Boston Marathon have reminded us.

Does that mean we should avoid doing things? No. The odds of things like this happening are small. If we don't go out and do things or avoid taking risks, what kind of life would we have?

I know when I run my race next week, my brain will be all over the place. It will be with my legs that will be in pain, it will be with people battling cancer, it will be with my aunt that we lost to cancer. It will drift to a meditative state and it will just listen to my breath. It will be a tourist in D.C. and take photos of various things during the race. My brain will drift to all of you who helped me reach an amazing goal to help others.

And it will no doubt be with Boston, its people, the runners and the heroes.